“Bonnie Prince Charlie was the only man ever named after three sheepdogs.” “When they put teeth in your mouth, they spoiled a perfectly good bum.” If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.” “When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. “All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.” “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?” Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?” “When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.” “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. Unless of course you are the most determined pervert in the world.” I mean it’s not as if anyone can f***ing see in. “I get claustrophobic easily and I don’t get why aeroplane toilets don’t f***ing have windows. “Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” ‘A fart is just your arse applauding’ (Photo: Getty) “One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. “Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.” “People who ask, ‘can I ask you a question?’ Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?” I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***.” (Photo: Getty) “You’ve made a happy man, very old.” “A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. “If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?” “I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra… I’m never likely to go there.” I’m the only guy I know who died in a f***ing Muppet Movie.” “I’m a huge film star, but you have to hurry to the movies because I usually die in the first 15 f***ing minutes. “Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?” After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. “My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.” “It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.” “The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.” “Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.” “You’ll end up with your arse between your shoulder blades.” “The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards”(Photo: Getty) “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” “Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was ‘How are you getting on?'” You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.” “A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.”
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